remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
