Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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