I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
