I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
