toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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