Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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