remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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