Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
