Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
