I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
