When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
