I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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