The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
