He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
