If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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