I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā€¯ \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
