I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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