I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
