You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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