I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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