Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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