just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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