i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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