but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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