Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
