My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
