Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
