lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
