I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
