So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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