you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
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Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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