I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
