It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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