i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I wear drunk well.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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