I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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