sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All I want is dick and wine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
