Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
