That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
