are you still at the devil's house?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
