who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He kissed a someone with a penis
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
