It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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