It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
