My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
