It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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