i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
