he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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