he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
