Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
