When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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