You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
