Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
