Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
