This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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