ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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