She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
